Don’t worry if you answer “no” to most of these questions. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed! It’s just a relationship compatibility quiz to help you determine if you need to give your relationship more time before you move in together or get married.

Asking the right questions before marriage will help you decide if you’ve truly found “The One.” Although there hundreds of issues we could cover here, let’s start with the basics:

1. Do you truly love each other?
You need to be certain that both of you love each other. Unfortunately, it’s easy to confuse infatuation and lust with love. Suffice to say that infatuation is more about being in love with the way someone makes you feel. True love happens slowly; it’s about being committed and concerned for your partner’s wellbeing.

2. Do you share similar goals?
Even if you have different dreams, you can still be compatible. You might want to be a CEO of a company someday, while your partner wants to become a chef. However, the two of you may have goals that are incompatible. What if your dream is to travel the world, and your partner hates travel? Suppose you want to buy a house in five years, yet your partner only seems interested in living for the moment? It’s best to get these details sorted out beforehand.

3. Do you want children?
If both of you want children, great. If neither of you wants to have children, that’s great too. The important thing is being on the same page when it comes to children, when to have them, and how to raise them. Many couples have split up over issues like this, all because they failed to ask this important pre marriage question: “Do you want to have kids someday?”

4. Do you share the same beliefs? If not, can you respect your differences?
It’s easiest to marry someone who shares the same religious beliefs as yourself. However, it’s very possible for two people from different religious backgrounds to have a harmonious marriage IF they’re able to understand and respect those differences. You should never marry someone with the hope of converting them to your idea of the “truth.”

5. Are the two of you able to “fight fair?”
It’s normal for couples to argue every now and then. However, it’s a problem when your arguments aren’t constructive. When you have a disagreement with your partner, do you communicate respectfully? Are the two of you able to reach a solution, or do you avoid these issues by jumping straight to “make-up sex?”

6. How do you handle money?
Money (or at least people’s attitude towards money) can cause some of the worst marriage problems. Usually it’s a case where one spouse is the saver and the other one is a spender. Sometimes both partners are terrible with money and spend their way into debt together. It’s worth knowing how your partner handles money so that you’ll be well prepared for any financial conflicts.

7. What are your vices?
Everyone has bad habits and character failings. Most of us tell white lies from time to time (”Yes, of course I like your new hairstyle”), forget to do the things we should, and say things we shouldn’t. However, there are character flaws that you definitely don’t want in a mate. If your partner is prone to violent outbursts, drinks heavily, takes drugs, or has a history of cheating on their significant other, that’s a big red flag.

It takes courage to ask pre marriage questions like these; most of us would rather close our eyes, trusting that love will find a way. However, it’s wise to follow Benjamin Franklin’s advice regarding marriage: Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

These are all legitimate choices. There is nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting children. However, it’s a big problem if you want children and decide to marry someone who doesn’t.

Let’s review some of the pre marriage questions you should ask regarding children:

• Do you want children? It’s important to know for sure what you want.
• Does your partner want children?
• How many children do the two of you want?
• Do you want to have a child as soon as possible, or do you want to wait a few years?
• If you and your partner have different faiths, how will the children be raised? Religion can become a big sticking point when children enter the picture.
• What role does your partner expect to play in raising children?
• Do both of you agree on how to discipline children? What if you’re opposed to spanking and your partner believes “Spare the rod, spoil the child?”
• What would you do if you learned that the two of you couldn’t have children? What would your spouse do?
• If the two of you decide not to have kids, what are you going to do if there’s an accidental pregnancy?
• Would one of you stay home with the children, or would you both work?
• Would you homeschool your children?
• How will having children change your lives?

Lust is what keeps our eyes open and draws us to a potential mate. We are usually attracted to someone based on looks, although there are other “lust triggers” too–we might be turned on by someone’s dynamic personality or witty repartee. Like a moth drawn to a light, we can’t get enough of them. Most relationships begin with the spark of lust or infatuation.

The good news is that lust and infatuation can lead to real love, the kind of love that makes two people stick together through good times and bad. The bad news is that the stage of infatuation tends to make it easy to ignore the flaws and character defects that would otherwise repel us.

So, how do you tell if it’s lust or love? Here are the pre marriage questions you should ask yourself to find out:

• Can you see yourself loving this person fifty years from now, even when he’s fat and wrinkled and rather unattractive?
• Do you truly listen to your partner when he speaks? Do you care about what he has to say, or are you mostly thinking about his gorgeous eyes or cute butt?
• Would you take a bullet for this person?
• Have you known your partner for long? If it’s been less than a few months, you probably don’t know enough about him to honestly love and accept him for who he is.
• Do you enjoy spending time with him, even when you’re not having sex or doing anything physical?
• Is your partner’s happiness just as important to you as your own?
• Does he inspire you to be a better person?
• Do you see and accept his flaws?
• Would you be willing to let him go from your life it means he’ll be a happier person? (Note: This is not the same as asking if ending the relationship would be painful! True love is able to make sacrifices for the happiness of the other. That’s why stalkers aren’t really in love.)
• Are you willing to wait before you marry your partner? Are you afraid of losing your partner if you put it off?

Asking these pre-marriage questions can help you decide if you’re really in love, or if what you’re experiencing is infatuation.

Remember, infatuation can lead to love. But because that doesn’t always happen, it’s far wiser to take things slow.